I got the news on Monday the 6th of February.I had only four more days left of my holiday in Africa. Upon reflection, the way the news was delivered reminds me of those times when someone says to you, "I've got good news and bad news.....now which would you rather hear first?". Only difference in this case was that there was no option to choose which I would have preferred to hear or experience first. The events just unfolded and left us crying and praying it was a dream. I hoped it was a mistake. An error. In my own way I remember and possibly always will remember that day and that moment. The pain , the shock, the longing to wake up and realize it was all a dream....a bad dream even though everything around me clearly shouted that this was no dream. Still, I did literally pinch myself just to be sure.
That afternoon I had received a call from my sister telling me that our other sister (first cousin) had just been blessed with a little baby boy. We celebrated and I thanked God for His faithfulness. I was also glad because this meant I would get to share in the joyous celebrations of meeting this brand new addition to the family before I headed back to England. I told my boys the wonderful news and they were so excited and eager to meet their little cousin. Questions poured out...."What was his name? How did he come out of aunty's tummy?" Most importantly , "when would they get to meet him?" We were about two hours drive away and were getting ready to leave for Harare (where she was), when we got this great news. By the time we got to Harare it was evening and it looked like we would not make it to the clinic for visiting hour. We would have to go the next morning even though we were so excited and really eager to meet him and welcome him that very same day.
When my phone rang just before 8pm I could tell something was not right....call it a premonition maybe or a God whisper , because there was nothing different about the ringtone. Hearing my sister on the other end of the telephone gave voice to the premonition. She was sobbing uncontrollably and I barely managed to catch the words the first time round. Eventually she managed to deliver the second piece of news that day....the bad news...Our precious new flower had gone back home to be with the Lord.
Time literally stood still in those moments after the phone call. My older son (7) who is a very sensitive individual and has such a gentle spirit immediately broke down. He asked questions that I could not answer, for I too was battling - trying to process the news . He asked why and how God could let an innocent baby die without even giving him the chance to play in the world? Did God not know that they were eager to meet their cousin? Was it painful for him? All I could do was pray and ask God to reveal Himself to my little baby and help him come to terms with what he was experiencing. And He did, for although my son still looked hurt and sad, he wiped his tears and said ,"Mum do you think right now there's a welcome party in heaven for aunty's baby so he wont feel lonely and sad even though we miss him?". I thanked God and was glad to have my dad there talking to both my kids and addressing whatever questions they had in a way that only a loving granddad can. My brother and I set off for the clinic so we could be with our beloved cousin in what I reckon would be one of her darkest hours ever. We drove down Enterprise Road in Harare and it was well after 8 pm . As we drove,the song that was playing over and over was, 'You are God, you are God , forever you will be'.
I remember getting to the Clinic -a maternity clinic , where people normally go to for the joyous celebrations of new arrivals. I saw a small bundle bundle being carried out of the building as I walked through the gates of Baines clinic. At that moment I felt the world stop within me . It was as though for that moment the world had taken a deep breath in and and just held still. Emotions froze, sounds froze, my mind froze....yet my feet continued move. I wanted to run and take the bundle , to hug and kiss him, to pray over Him and see him restored to life, to shout out as Jesus did when He raised Jarius' daughter, 'He is not dead, he's just sleeping' but yet in that same moment I felt so helpless and at a loss of words. I had so much to say yet nothing to say.
I never got to meet him, embrace him, feel his tiny fingers curl around my finger, whisper gently into his ears , kiss his baby soft and chubby cheeks.....but still I loved him. I could not begin to imagine what my dear sister was going through. To have carried her precious flower in her womb for nine months and felt the kicks and movements of this wonderful gift, to have laboured for hours and finally held him in her arms then have him taken away and return to be with The Lord just hours later......my heart ached and wept. I cried for her , I cried for the nephew I had never got to meet yet I still hoped it was a nightmare that I would awaken from. Yet no one shook me to try and wake me up for everyone around me was also trying to come to terms with the reality of the loss we had just experienced. I still cannot comprehend the ache in my sister's heart that arose from the empty arms when her milk flowed in or how she must have felt after having experienced something like that. That kind of pain....the pain of losing a child just hours after laboring and pushing, is the kind that is sharp,unkind and with rugged edges that tear at the heart.
I wondered whether our little flower had felt pain as he left the world....what had been going on in that little heart of his?
In the midst of it all I never doubted God's sovereignity. I knew He was there, I knew He could see and feel her pain, her tears and He was right there. Theories, explanations and sterile philosophies work and sound good in the absence of the kind of pain and loss that cannot be fully expressed through words but can only be felt by the heart . In those moments of pain ,tragedy and turmoil that only the soul understands and no words can capture, comfort, strength and wisdom can only be drawn from God's presence, where you find Him in that stillness and experience Him as your great encourager and comforter who is faithful to fulfill His promise to always be close to you when you are broken hearted.
To all who have walked through the incomprehensible pain of losing a child, may you always find strength and comfort in the hope of eternity where you will forever be reunited and the pain forever wiped away.
To our precious little flower....miss you little buddy - you were and still are loved
Sunday 1 July 2012
Thursday 23 February 2012
Roots
Most, if not all families have some sort of drama going on. As can be expected, the larger the family, the more the drama. This however is not in any way an indication that family is not necessary or important. In most parts of Africa when people are introduced to each other especially to elderly folk, they will normally ask about family names, lineage, villages of origin,and a whole lot more 'root search' oriented type questions. All the while the endeavor being to try and establish some sort of connection to each other. If it does happen that there is one common ancestor friend or acquaintance, kinship of sorts is immediately established, no matter how distant or far fetched the ties are. Family relations are very important and highly valued although of course, those squabbles and rivalries within families abound.
When we lived in Australia, somehow the distance and different time zones made us feel in some ways a bit untethered to family. Despite the advanced technology, there was still that certain level of disconnectedness especially given that it was so costly to think of regularly visiting relatives and family in Africa. There's only so much you can share over the phone and as the years pile up, it seems the conversations can get shorter especially for kids because what do you talk about when your day to day worlds are so different and thats before you even put into consideration the time difference. When they were up we were sleeping and vice versa and so phone calls had to be planned carefully so you could at least find them awake enough for a decent conversation. Geographical proximity to family was one of the push factors that saw us bidding farewell to The Land Down Under.
Family gives one a place of belonging and identity. Recently I took my kids to Zimbabwe, my home country to meet the family and to be honest I was as nervous as I was excited on the way there. Would they bond with the cousins they had never met, would they know how to relate to the grandparents they had only gotten to know over the phone and through photos but on whose knees they had never had the chance to sit on, had never had the chance to play whatever games it is grandparents play with their grandkids or ever felt the warm cushiony feel of grandma.Grandma's scent and touch could not be transmitted over the phone, she had never wiped the tears off their cheeks or kissed their bruised knees better when they fell. Would they relate like total strangers? Would there be such a huge gap between them and their family relations filled with nothing but polite conversation with no soul or depth? Of course I was excited but not sure what to expect ....would the years and distance have erected a wall or would the love in our hearts make the connection instant?
When we arrived at Harare airport, my dad was waiting for us and my son somehow spotted him and they started waving at each other as we collected our baggage. The excitement that my kids expressed upon seeing their grandfather overwhelmed me. The way they ran to him and embraced him was as though they had always known each other. Immediately my heart smiled, I was filled with inexpressible joy, I was back home. By the time I walked through the airport gates, grandpa and his grandkids were already chit chatting.
Throughout our three weeks amongst family I watched with a warm heart as my kids enjoyed bonding with the family they had never met before. There were no formalities, no dinner appointments...the informal order of everyday made each and every moment special. One day as we lay in bed my older son who is now 7 sighed deeply and said, 'Mum, it feels so nice to be surrounded by so many people who love us and that we love. I want it to always be this way. I really feel like I'm at home'. In that moment it dawned on me that as parents, no matter how much we shower our kids with love, we can never substitute aunts, uncles, grandparents or cousins for those relationships are totally different and designed uniquely. Children need those types of bonds , they provide them with a sense of security which is irreplaceable.
Family relations in which the members are joined together by a thread of love provide a firm and solid rock that gives one a place of belonging. Even that tame never ending argument will not be strong enough to destroy the bond that was designed to be there amongst kinsfolk.
Often family is taken for granted. Jealousy, strife and pride are given room to erode the family unit, robbing the younger children of that priviledge to know, experience and feel the deep sense of security and protection that comes from being in a solid, united and loving family.
Needless to say, in the three weeks that we were there, bonds were strengthened. I once read a quote that read,"families are like fudge-mostly sweet with a few nuts". Don't give up on the sweetness of something so beautiful because of the few rough nuts (trust me, every family has some of those nuts-although some families have more than others!). Many tears were shed on the plane back to England but I was thankful that my children had got to experience what they experienced and hopefully will be experiencing more often now. I'm thankful for my family....its an honor to share and go through life surrounded by the kind of love which distance and time cannot erode.
Love and blessings
When we lived in Australia, somehow the distance and different time zones made us feel in some ways a bit untethered to family. Despite the advanced technology, there was still that certain level of disconnectedness especially given that it was so costly to think of regularly visiting relatives and family in Africa. There's only so much you can share over the phone and as the years pile up, it seems the conversations can get shorter especially for kids because what do you talk about when your day to day worlds are so different and thats before you even put into consideration the time difference. When they were up we were sleeping and vice versa and so phone calls had to be planned carefully so you could at least find them awake enough for a decent conversation. Geographical proximity to family was one of the push factors that saw us bidding farewell to The Land Down Under.
Family gives one a place of belonging and identity. Recently I took my kids to Zimbabwe, my home country to meet the family and to be honest I was as nervous as I was excited on the way there. Would they bond with the cousins they had never met, would they know how to relate to the grandparents they had only gotten to know over the phone and through photos but on whose knees they had never had the chance to sit on, had never had the chance to play whatever games it is grandparents play with their grandkids or ever felt the warm cushiony feel of grandma.Grandma's scent and touch could not be transmitted over the phone, she had never wiped the tears off their cheeks or kissed their bruised knees better when they fell. Would they relate like total strangers? Would there be such a huge gap between them and their family relations filled with nothing but polite conversation with no soul or depth? Of course I was excited but not sure what to expect ....would the years and distance have erected a wall or would the love in our hearts make the connection instant?
When we arrived at Harare airport, my dad was waiting for us and my son somehow spotted him and they started waving at each other as we collected our baggage. The excitement that my kids expressed upon seeing their grandfather overwhelmed me. The way they ran to him and embraced him was as though they had always known each other. Immediately my heart smiled, I was filled with inexpressible joy, I was back home. By the time I walked through the airport gates, grandpa and his grandkids were already chit chatting.
Throughout our three weeks amongst family I watched with a warm heart as my kids enjoyed bonding with the family they had never met before. There were no formalities, no dinner appointments...the informal order of everyday made each and every moment special. One day as we lay in bed my older son who is now 7 sighed deeply and said, 'Mum, it feels so nice to be surrounded by so many people who love us and that we love. I want it to always be this way. I really feel like I'm at home'. In that moment it dawned on me that as parents, no matter how much we shower our kids with love, we can never substitute aunts, uncles, grandparents or cousins for those relationships are totally different and designed uniquely. Children need those types of bonds , they provide them with a sense of security which is irreplaceable.
Family relations in which the members are joined together by a thread of love provide a firm and solid rock that gives one a place of belonging. Even that tame never ending argument will not be strong enough to destroy the bond that was designed to be there amongst kinsfolk.
Often family is taken for granted. Jealousy, strife and pride are given room to erode the family unit, robbing the younger children of that priviledge to know, experience and feel the deep sense of security and protection that comes from being in a solid, united and loving family.
Needless to say, in the three weeks that we were there, bonds were strengthened. I once read a quote that read,"families are like fudge-mostly sweet with a few nuts". Don't give up on the sweetness of something so beautiful because of the few rough nuts (trust me, every family has some of those nuts-although some families have more than others!). Many tears were shed on the plane back to England but I was thankful that my children had got to experience what they experienced and hopefully will be experiencing more often now. I'm thankful for my family....its an honor to share and go through life surrounded by the kind of love which distance and time cannot erode.
Love and blessings
Wednesday 11 January 2012
Unfeminine feminism
When the axe came into the forest, the trees said,'the handle is one of us'.
Whilst the handle most certainly did originate from the forest, it returned no longer as just wood but with the potential to wipe out the forest. At the risk of stepping on toes, I cannot help but observe how the 'forest and axe' scenario somehow can allegorically give a glimpse into the world of feminism versus being feminine.
Feminism is 'the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social and economic equality to men'. On the other hand the term 'feminine' refers to qualities or appearances traditionally associated with women, qualities such as prettiness, delicacy, nurturing,kindness,understanding and the list goes on. While the heart of feminism is probably in the right place, it does seem though that the execution of the goal (ie equal rights),if left unchecked, can silently execute femininity. Picture this, if these two terms were human then Feminism would probably be feeding Feminine with one hand while 'gently' strangling her throat with the other hand. Some of the most prominent feminists do come across as very unfeminine and paint feminine qualities as weak.Feminism and being feminine should be complementary. Empower women to flourish in their respective roles.
So,is being feminine slowly becoming replaced by a new form of 'masculine-femininity'? Queen Elizabeth 1 once said, 'I have the heart of a man, not of a woman, and I am not afraid of anything'. Undoubtedly, the term 'masculine' oozes images of strength, power, protection, rippling muscles... On the other end the term 'feminine' probably brings to mind the picture of a pretty flower, sweet and floral scents and soft, pretty colors. One cannot be blamed for thinking that being feminine is therefore assuredly weakness and frailty. This is the lie that some well meaning feminists are slowly using to approach their fellow sisters just as the axe approached the forest. Women were never made to be masculine or to take over the men. They are not rivals. The strength of men does not diminish the strength of women. The two are different and are meant to complement not war against each other.
Women should embrace the strength of their femininity knowing that they can still be who they are even in business and in the corporate world. They do not have to dress like men, try to sound like men or even feel the need to displace the men. Allow the women in your world to be who they are and put the axe head away. Feminism that is not feminine is pretty ugly. Ladies, allow the flower in you to bloom. Don't let it die in the bud.
Whilst the handle most certainly did originate from the forest, it returned no longer as just wood but with the potential to wipe out the forest. At the risk of stepping on toes, I cannot help but observe how the 'forest and axe' scenario somehow can allegorically give a glimpse into the world of feminism versus being feminine.
Feminism is 'the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social and economic equality to men'. On the other hand the term 'feminine' refers to qualities or appearances traditionally associated with women, qualities such as prettiness, delicacy, nurturing,kindness,understanding and the list goes on. While the heart of feminism is probably in the right place, it does seem though that the execution of the goal (ie equal rights),if left unchecked, can silently execute femininity. Picture this, if these two terms were human then Feminism would probably be feeding Feminine with one hand while 'gently' strangling her throat with the other hand. Some of the most prominent feminists do come across as very unfeminine and paint feminine qualities as weak.Feminism and being feminine should be complementary. Empower women to flourish in their respective roles.
So,is being feminine slowly becoming replaced by a new form of 'masculine-femininity'? Queen Elizabeth 1 once said, 'I have the heart of a man, not of a woman, and I am not afraid of anything'. Undoubtedly, the term 'masculine' oozes images of strength, power, protection, rippling muscles... On the other end the term 'feminine' probably brings to mind the picture of a pretty flower, sweet and floral scents and soft, pretty colors. One cannot be blamed for thinking that being feminine is therefore assuredly weakness and frailty. This is the lie that some well meaning feminists are slowly using to approach their fellow sisters just as the axe approached the forest. Women were never made to be masculine or to take over the men. They are not rivals. The strength of men does not diminish the strength of women. The two are different and are meant to complement not war against each other.
Women should embrace the strength of their femininity knowing that they can still be who they are even in business and in the corporate world. They do not have to dress like men, try to sound like men or even feel the need to displace the men. Allow the women in your world to be who they are and put the axe head away. Feminism that is not feminine is pretty ugly. Ladies, allow the flower in you to bloom. Don't let it die in the bud.
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