Precious Flower

I got the news on Monday the 6th of February.I had only four more days left of my holiday in Africa. Upon reflection, the way the news was delivered reminds me of those times when someone says to you, "I've got good news and bad news.....now which would you rather hear first?". Only difference in this case was that there was no option to choose which I would have preferred to hear or experience first. The events just unfolded and left us crying and praying it was a dream. I hoped it was a mistake. An error. In my own way I remember and possibly always will remember that day and that  moment. The pain , the shock, the longing to wake up and realize it was all a dream....a bad dream even though everything around me clearly shouted that this was no dream. Still, I did literally pinch myself just to be sure.


That afternoon I had received a call from my sister telling me that our other sister (first cousin) had just been blessed with a little baby boy. We celebrated and I thanked God for His faithfulness. I was also glad because this meant I would get to share in the joyous celebrations of meeting this brand new addition to the family before I headed back to England. I told my boys the wonderful news and they were so excited and eager to meet their little cousin. Questions poured out...."What was his name? How did he come out of aunty's tummy?" Most importantly , "when would they get to meet him?" We were about two hours drive away and were getting ready to leave for Harare (where she was), when we got this great news. By the time we got to Harare it was evening and it looked like we would not make it to the clinic for visiting hour. We would have to go the next morning even though we were so excited and really eager to meet him and welcome him that very same day.


When my phone rang just before 8pm I could tell something was not right....call it a premonition maybe or a God whisper , because there was nothing different about the ringtone. Hearing my sister on the other end of the telephone gave voice to the premonition. She was sobbing uncontrollably and I barely managed to catch the words the first time round. Eventually she managed to deliver the second piece of news that day....the bad news...Our precious new flower had gone back home to be with the Lord.


Time literally stood still in those moments after the phone call. My older son (7) who is a very sensitive individual and has such a gentle spirit immediately broke down. He asked questions that I could not answer, for I too was battling - trying to process the news . He asked why and how God could let an innocent baby die without even giving him the chance to play in the world? Did God not know that they were eager to meet their cousin? Was it painful for him? All I could do was pray and ask God to reveal Himself to my little baby and help him come to terms with what he was experiencing. And  He did, for although  my son still looked hurt and sad, he wiped his tears and said ,"Mum do you think right now there's a welcome party in heaven for aunty's baby so he wont feel lonely and sad even though we miss him?". I thanked God and was glad to have my dad there talking to both my kids and addressing whatever questions they had in a way that only a loving granddad can. My brother and I set off for the clinic so we could be with our beloved cousin in what I reckon would be one of her darkest hours ever. We drove down Enterprise Road in Harare and it  was well after 8 pm . As we drove,the song that was playing over and over was, 'You are God, you are God , forever you will be'.


I remember getting to the Clinic -a maternity clinic , where people normally go to for the joyous celebrations of new arrivals. I saw a small bundle bundle being carried out of the building as I walked through the gates of Baines clinic. At that moment I felt the world stop within me . It was as though for that moment the world had taken a deep breath in and and just held still. Emotions froze, sounds froze, my mind froze....yet my feet continued move. I wanted to run and take the bundle , to hug and kiss him, to pray over Him and see him restored to life, to shout out as Jesus did when He raised Jarius' daughter, 'He is not dead, he's just sleeping' but yet in that same moment I felt so helpless and at a loss of words. I had so much to say yet nothing to say.


I never got to meet him, embrace him, feel his tiny fingers curl around my finger, whisper gently into his ears , kiss his baby soft and chubby cheeks.....but still I loved him. I could not begin to imagine what my dear sister was going through. To have carried her precious flower in her womb for nine months and felt the kicks and movements of this wonderful gift, to have laboured for hours and finally held him in her arms then have him taken away and return to be with The Lord just hours later......my heart ached and wept. I cried for her , I cried for the nephew I had never got to  meet yet I still hoped it was a nightmare that I would awaken from. Yet no one shook me to try and wake me up for everyone around me was also trying to come to terms with the reality of the loss we had just experienced. I still cannot comprehend the ache in my sister's heart that arose from the empty arms when her milk flowed in or how she must have felt after having experienced something like that. That kind of pain....the pain of losing a child just hours after laboring and pushing, is the kind that is sharp,unkind and with rugged edges that tear at the heart.


I wondered whether our little flower had felt pain as he left the world....what had been going on in that little heart of his?


In the midst of it all I never doubted God's sovereignity. I knew He was there, I knew He could see and feel her pain, her tears and He was right there. Theories, explanations and sterile philosophies work and sound good in the absence of the kind of pain and loss that cannot be fully expressed through words but can only be felt by the heart . In those moments of pain ,tragedy and turmoil that only the soul understands and no words can capture, comfort, strength and wisdom can only be drawn from God's presence, where you find Him in that stillness and experience Him as your great encourager and comforter who is faithful to fulfill His promise to always be close to you when you are broken hearted.


To all who have walked through the incomprehensible pain of losing a child, may you always find strength and comfort in the hope of eternity where you will forever be reunited and the pain forever wiped away.
 To our precious little flower....miss you little buddy - you were and still are loved